Why Coming Home Is More Difficult Than Going Abroad?

Yuri: “After three years living the American dream, the day had finally come to return home. During my long-haul flight from San Francisco to Jakarta, I couldn’t stop thinking of how exciting it would be; seeing friends and family members, eating home food that I’ve been longing, napping in my lovely room – I thought I would have all my old gaiety back to life. But soon as I hit my hometown, it gave me something even worse than a culture shock ever did to me. I was devastated. I never thought that repatriation is much harder than expatriation. Spent couple of years in a fast-paced environment like America has utterly changed my way of thinking and I wasn’t even realized that until I got home. It was way harder than I could imagine. “

Robert: “Returning from Phuket to my home Melbourne, I kept singing merrily to myself a famous upbeat song from Survivor, ‘Went the distance, now I’m back on my feet!’ I was so eager to breathe the fresh air and see the clean streets of Melbourne again. Surprisingly, after spending few days with my friends and family members, one thing I realized missing was the warmth of home. Was it just me getting used to the warmth that all those Siamese have? A big question…”

Does any of the stories above sound familiar to you? If it’s a yes, you’re probably encountering a reverse culture shock. Although this topic has only received too little attention, but rest assured, you’re not alone.

We all know that living, studying, and working overseas always take some time to cope with it, but how could returning home feels a lot harder? Many studies have been done to understand cultural adjustment and its circumstances, but a homecoming or re-entry phenomenon has never received so much attention from the experts. Yes, returning home isn’t always easy – especially when there’s a huge culture gap between your home and your abroad country.

Reverse culture shock is usually encountered by a person whose returning home after living overseas for years. This term has received scholarly attention since 1944 and received critical attention in the late 1950s and 1960s according to a study, but it is still considerably unanticipated. How does this happen?

Some scholars have found reverse culture shock could strike the home-comers worse than outbound shock due to  idealized expectation of home that people have carried since they left their home country – but as years passed by, people going overseas for years have been welded with new cultures and practices and have already forgotten what it’s like to be someone in their own home. As they return, they unconsciously have an expectation of total familiarity and thinking nothing has changed while they have been away.

“Coming home with a new set of mind, I feel like I did not fit into my hometown anymore. I had a perfect, beautiful expectation of home but it’s all gone in a blink of an eye. Now I found it hard to meet mutual understanding with everyone. I thought I could pick up where I left off, but I was completely wrong,” Yuri explained to me blatantly over the phone.

“Look, here’s the point. Yuri has to realize that many things have happened since he’s been gone,” Yuri’s sister sounded unhappy when I talked to her over the phone, “me, and the rest of the family members, have no idea why he had changed so much. However, I realized I had to make an effort to understand. I knew a lot has happened to him too, and it must be something I will not understand. But seriously, this has gone too far, I feel like he needs to restart the relationship with us all over again.”

Obviously, Yuri, Robert, and you, are not alone. Take a look at this video as another example.

Nobody seems to care about what you have been through during your abroad journey because they think they will not understand. Some judgments, whether exclusive or unpleasant, that are made upon your “changes” could also bring some of you to frustration and feelings of detachment when you return home. “I thought re-entry was simple. But all the changes I found in my surroundings, all the people I used to picture as home, made it way more difficult,” Robert admitted, “at least the first few months after my return, I had to readjust everything with my family and friends. Tried to accept the differences I’ve been used to in Thailand. I felt uneasy.”

Craig Storti in his book “The Art of Coming” stated at least 64% of American returnees, 64% of Dutch and 80% of Japanese expats have found significant culture shock upon repatriation. A growing number of returnees is expected to raise as “globalization becomes a fact in business life“. Yes, you’re definitely not alone.

“This is common in every part of the world today, people who went overseas will have difficulty of readjustment upon their repatriation and the process will vary for different individuals, but the more incorporated they are to the culture of their overseas country, the harder they are to readjust upon their re-entry,” explained Daisy, an Indonesian psychologist graduated from University of Indonesia, “however, it could be easier to manage for older people that have been through the ups and downs in life.”

“The Art of Coming Home” has clearly written four different stages that every home-comer will pass through during the re-entry process:

1) Leave-Taking and Departure: This is the phase where you start thinking more of home rather than your overseas country. You felt the desire to come home grows bigger than it was before… you were excited!

2) The Honeymoon: Usually occurs within the first two weeks after arriving home. Just like a honeymoon, everything was still beautiful as what you expected. You were a king to many beautiful friends and family members.

3) Reverse Culture Shock: Once you finished your reunions and start your new life, reverse culture shock begin. People are getting used to having you around, judgments start to appear, and other conflicts start to occur between you and your loved ones. Some judgments may be too unpleasant, some other may sound too exclusive, but you can be sure that it brings you the feeling of detachment. You may feel overwhelmed and frustrated. You may feel like you just can’t… go through this. You may come to realize that you’re longing for your overseas country and felt as if it was more beautiful than your home.

4) Readjustment: Of course it will not be forever. It may be uneasy for a long time, but you will have to settle down and finally get to the readjustment phase. You will find the balance between the beauty of your home country and your precious experience abroad. You will be ‘back on your feet’, just like Survivor said.

These phases could take months or years, and it all depends on several factors. People who are more involved in the overseas culture may find it harder to leave behind, therefore, it can take longer time for them to readjust. Other factors such as unexpected and involuntary re-entry, the amount of interaction with people at home during the overseas trip, the level of differences between overseas and home culture, as well as the unsupportive re-entry environment, are the things that could also worsen the readjustment process.

“In order to readjust quickly, they should make an effort to put their mind back to their home country,” Daisy continues, “from learning back the home cultures they have forgotten, reconnecting relationship with their friends and family members, building network with their fellow returnees to share experience and retain their knowledge, being true to themselves but on top of all, they just have to be willing to re-adapt. They should leave all the overseas culture behind, but keep their mind open.”

All these may sound terrifying to some, but to settle down, we all just have to deal with it. After all, love will always bring us home…

 

Author’s last note: This piece is written to complete one of my “Writing for The Media” assignment. If you need further advise on coping with reverse culture shock – this video might help.